an end and a beginning

Our journey to our first child began almost exactly 2 years ago in November 2003. We had just decided to stop birth control and see what happened. I was concerned of getting pregnant too soon because I was training to run the Boston Marathon in April 2004 and did not want to miss the race. Silly me. The race came and went. In April we started making a concerted effort to BD during my fertile time.
In July I got a positive pg test, only to get my period a few days later. This is something the medical community calls a chemical pregnancy, although why they don't just call it the miscarriage it is I'll never understand. We were devastated, but hopeful that we would conceive again soon. November 2004, and the same thing happened. Positive test, bleeding several days later. I went to see a specialist to find out what was going on. We both underwent testing and they found nothing wrong. In April 2005 I went for more invasive testing to ensure that my uterus was normal and my fallopian tubes were clear, and all was deemed good. Still nothing....
I did 6 months of acupuncture and herbs since Western medicine didn't have an answer. While I felt relaxed, still no pregnancy.
In May I graduated from veterinary school and got a real job. Friends told me, "now that you are done with school and less stressed, you'll get pregnant for sure." In September of 2005, we saw a reproductive endocrinologist at one of the fancy fertility centers. He was very hopeful that we would be able to successfully have a biological child, but not without the help of drugs. So I went through daily bloodwork, ultrasounds, and injections as well as IUI to increase our chances. The side effects were aweful and the emotional aspect 10 x worse with the added expectation that it would definitely work this time...
On Sunday I got a positive pregnancy test and we were thrilled. I called the dr on Monday morning, but the nurse said I could not come in for blood work until Friday. It was a very rough week of waiting, but Friday finally came. When I got the call that my levels were not high enough for a viable pregnancy, I decided I had had it. No more treatments, no more drugs. I had gained 10 pounds this cycle due to stress, lack of time and energy to exercise and the bloating from the drugs.
I wanted my life back. I wanted to be able to have a drink now and then. And I wanted to be able to have sex with my husband when I wanted, not when the drs told us to.
So we stopped.
I told myself we were unable to have a biological child and mentally moved on to adoption.
I had been researching adoption for months. I had read lots of books and even found an agency I liked. Bill was so set on "having one of our own" that he just hadn't come to terms with the idea of adoption. After our treatment cycle failing, he finally agreed to go ahead with the adoption process. We had attended a meeting with the social worker over the summer and our state mandated preadoption seminar in October. I had all the paperwork on hand and ready to go.
We had also brought up the idea with our families a month or two ago now. They were a touch disappointed at the idea of us not having a biological child, but were supportive of our decision. They are starting to get excited about their first grandchild....
So today we are finishing the application to our home study agency. Tomorrow I will take it to the notary to get the signatures certified and we will mail it along with the first of many large checks. Who would have thought wanting to start a family was such an ordeal? I always thought I would just want a child and then just have one. But now I know there is a little girl waiting to be born in China that is our baby girl. And all we have to do is spend months filling out paperwork saying we are good enough to be her parents. And then wait, and wait and wait. And then we will get that phone call saying we can go get her. And that is how our family began....
I feel a sense of closure now, and a great feeling of excitement and hope as we begin this new journey.